Bitch Session

As previously posted, I’m sick, and while I appreciate all of you who encouraged me to say damn the drought and take a bath, I didn’t. I have way too many issues with water conservation to pack it all in for one cold.

The cold is still with me, and with the cold comes the cranky. I am absolutely at my worst when I don’t feel good. If there was ever a litmus test for if someone loved me it would have to be forcing them to spend the length of a cold with me. I’m sure that may be grounds for justifiable homicide.

1. Being a person who immediately fell in love with the handy-ness of electronic transactions I am increasingly frustrated with the 47.2 questions I now have to answer when trying to do my ‘fast ‘ checkout. For the record, I just want gas. I do not need a receipt, a car wash, a shoe shine, or my teeth flossed. JUST GAS.

2. If your job involves being two inches or less from my face – I have one request – breath mints - I mean, I love you, I love the way you wax my eyebrows, I come back every couple of weeks, I way over tip you….would a breath mint kill you? Are you allergic to peppermint?

3. I keep seeing my neighbors ‘walking’ their children. Or more correctly, the parents are walking and the kids are being pulled in wagons. I am not making this up and I do not get it. In this day and age of rampant childhood obesity, would it kill Chad and Muffy to walk around the block? Isn’t the point of sending children outside to make them run around, get tired and stop all that squealing? How can they get tired if you are pulling them? You only have yourselves to blame.

4. Can anyone tell me why there are 657 types of bacon? Isn’t it all just tasty fatty pig parts? I just want bacon. Plain old regular bacon.

5. I am many things, none of them is a meth cook. I am buying this much cold medicine because I am SICK – which should be evident by the hacking cough and the runny snotty nose. I am not supplying my little suburban neighborhood with meth. Yes, you can see my ID, but seriously, put your best-agent-Mulder-trust-no one-look away, I am not impressed or intimidated by you and you super-sleuth skills there.

Being sick sucks and if one more person asks me who I’ve been kissing to get this cold, I’m not only going to punch them in the head I’m calling in TL and her spoons.

I'm sick and that's Sad

Someone please explain to me why when things are actually messy every-single-where in my life, I get a damn cold that is making me feel like staying vertical for more than 4 hours is akin to scaling Everest, naked, in stilettos, whilst covered in ky-jelly?

I haven’t had a cold like this in years.. why, dear immune system didja let me down now? I am a Tylenol popping, afrin snorting fool. Oh. , that’s right, you see, I can’t actually take ‘real’ cold medicine. That swill (yes, all of them) makes my heart race upwards around 150-160 bpm and then I can’t catch my breath..or even lie down..so, Afrin, that’s the best I can do. Of course, today would also be the day I find out that apparently Afrin becomes addictive if used more than 3 days in a row… this is not good news, because I have no intention of getting some modicum of relief for 3 days, to go back to the stuffy headed-hearing impaired person I am without it, just to avoid the possibility of a nasal spray addiction. Call an interventionist. I’ll do the time in rehab once I can breathe through my nasal passages full time again..promise.

Everything else, laundry, phone calls (sorry Roo’), dishes, finishing the dang bank robbing book, cleaning out my truck, all that, gonna have to wait. I am miserable and a nap is about the only thing I have the energy for (as if that makes any sense).

On the upside - I love the girl scouts. I stopped at the local drug store this morning to buy a tape for my brand new video camera (!), and there they were, selling cookies. I am almost certain of the medicinal qualities found in lemon shortbread cookies, more research is necessary, but I’ll keep you posted.

So there you go a peek into the action packed-non-stop-hilarity that is my weekend, aren’t you glad you came by?

If you need me, I’ll be on the couch with my blankie and a cup of hot tea.
If not for the dang drought I'd add a steamy bubble bath, but I don't need guilt on top of all this snot, that' d be just plain wrong.