Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Bitch Session

As previously posted, I’m sick, and while I appreciate all of you who encouraged me to say damn the drought and take a bath, I didn’t. I have way too many issues with water conservation to pack it all in for one cold.

The cold is still with me, and with the cold comes the cranky. I am absolutely at my worst when I don’t feel good. If there was ever a litmus test for if someone loved me it would have to be forcing them to spend the length of a cold with me. I’m sure that may be grounds for justifiable homicide.

1. Being a person who immediately fell in love with the handy-ness of electronic transactions I am increasingly frustrated with the 47.2 questions I now have to answer when trying to do my ‘fast ‘ checkout. For the record, I just want gas. I do not need a receipt, a car wash, a shoe shine, or my teeth flossed. JUST GAS.

2. If your job involves being two inches or less from my face – I have one request – breath mints - I mean, I love you, I love the way you wax my eyebrows, I come back every couple of weeks, I way over tip you….would a breath mint kill you? Are you allergic to peppermint?

3. I keep seeing my neighbors ‘walking’ their children. Or more correctly, the parents are walking and the kids are being pulled in wagons. I am not making this up and I do not get it. In this day and age of rampant childhood obesity, would it kill Chad and Muffy to walk around the block? Isn’t the point of sending children outside to make them run around, get tired and stop all that squealing? How can they get tired if you are pulling them? You only have yourselves to blame.

4. Can anyone tell me why there are 657 types of bacon? Isn’t it all just tasty fatty pig parts? I just want bacon. Plain old regular bacon.

5. I am many things, none of them is a meth cook. I am buying this much cold medicine because I am SICK – which should be evident by the hacking cough and the runny snotty nose. I am not supplying my little suburban neighborhood with meth. Yes, you can see my ID, but seriously, put your best-agent-Mulder-trust-no one-look away, I am not impressed or intimidated by you and you super-sleuth skills there.

Being sick sucks and if one more person asks me who I’ve been kissing to get this cold, I’m not only going to punch them in the head I’m calling in TL and her spoons.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I'm sick and that's Sad

Someone please explain to me why when things are actually messy every-single-where in my life, I get a damn cold that is making me feel like staying vertical for more than 4 hours is akin to scaling Everest, naked, in stilettos, whilst covered in ky-jelly?

I haven’t had a cold like this in years.. why, dear immune system didja let me down now? I am a Tylenol popping, afrin snorting fool. Oh. , that’s right, you see, I can’t actually take ‘real’ cold medicine. That swill (yes, all of them) makes my heart race upwards around 150-160 bpm and then I can’t catch my breath..or even lie down..so, Afrin, that’s the best I can do. Of course, today would also be the day I find out that apparently Afrin becomes addictive if used more than 3 days in a row… this is not good news, because I have no intention of getting some modicum of relief for 3 days, to go back to the stuffy headed-hearing impaired person I am without it, just to avoid the possibility of a nasal spray addiction. Call an interventionist. I’ll do the time in rehab once I can breathe through my nasal passages full time again..promise.

Everything else, laundry, phone calls (sorry Roo’), dishes, finishing the dang bank robbing book, cleaning out my truck, all that, gonna have to wait. I am miserable and a nap is about the only thing I have the energy for (as if that makes any sense).

On the upside - I love the girl scouts. I stopped at the local drug store this morning to buy a tape for my brand new video camera (!), and there they were, selling cookies. I am almost certain of the medicinal qualities found in lemon shortbread cookies, more research is necessary, but I’ll keep you posted.

So there you go a peek into the action packed-non-stop-hilarity that is my weekend, aren’t you glad you came by?

If you need me, I’ll be on the couch with my blankie and a cup of hot tea.
If not for the dang drought I'd add a steamy bubble bath, but I don't need guilt on top of all this snot, that' d be just plain wrong.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The 10 Random Things I owe to 'Roo.

I can't not do a 'tag'... I especially can't not do one from 'Roo. .. my friend who talks to me for hours - just cause, who never makes me feel worse about mentioning Hooters at a business meeting, who reminds that I have much to be proud of, and Roo, our friendship is definitely one of them.

So... 10 Random Things ........

1. I can't wash my face without brushing my teeth, and I can't brush my teeth without flossing them first. These things have to go together, I have tried to talk myself out of this stupid compulsion. I'll make it to the couch after washing my face and I'll sit there unable to focus on anything until I get up and floss then brush my damn teeth.

2. I hate brussel sprouts., and I don't like you very much if you're trying to talk me into liking them, so just stop that crap.

3. When I go on a road trip somewhere, I have to make two lists. The list of things I can do right now (meaning the day before), and the list of things I have to do before I walk out the door. If I forget to put something on the list, I will write it down just to cross it off.

4. One of the things on the list is always, 'buy twizzlers'. My car won't go without them, I swear.

5. I just recently discovered that I love jalapeno peppers.

6. I shoplifted exactly one time, when I was about 13 years old. I (tried) to steal (read: I got caught) a bookmark from a Christian Book Store. (This still makes me laugh).

7. I recently surpised a friend I hadn't seen in over a year. She was so happy to see me she cried. I will remember the look on her face when she first saw me for the rest of my life. I will not wait so long to go see people who love me ever again.

8. I have not been running enough and I *hate* the way the absence of running makes me feel.

9. I don't love the beach... but this summer, I think I'm going to make some of my best memories there.

10. With my tax refund this year I'm buying deck furniture and an automobile GPS Thingie. I figure I'll always be able find my way home, and I'll have an awesome place to sit. If "W" gives us additional money - I'm defnitely going to spend it frivolously, I'm outstanding at that.

Happy new week people.

Friday, February 8, 2008

I too, got nuthin'

Brian sent me an email the other day, complaining about my lack of posting these days, his very words were “your life can’t be as boring as mine”.
It is.
Well, except for those items I shouldn’t talk about until I’ve had time in front of a judge.*

Offered as proof here’s how my day went yesterday.

I had a very big, face to face meeting with a client for a new project.
The meeting starts earlier than I would normally go in, so I left early, with the plans of stopping at a nearby coffee place for tea and a bagel.
(me – Me CSG – coffee shop girl)

Me: Hi. I’d like a skim chai and a toasted grain bagel with peanut butter please.
CSG: What size? And you want t a cinnamon roll? They are just out of the oven and still warm, and really good!
Me: a medium please, and no, just the bagel.
CSG: You sure? How about a muffin?
Me: No, thanks, just the bagel.
CSG: ringing up my order, and out of the corner of my eye, I see “muffin” flash across the cash register and sigh.
CSG: What kind of muffin again?
Me: I didn’t order a muffin, I ordered a toasted grain bagel.
CSG: oh dear.. looks around. Makes eye contact with other coffee shop employee (OCSE), he sees the deer in the headlights look and comes over.
CSG: almost wailing… Fix it!
Other CSE: Fix what?
CSG: Well she ordered a bagel, and I rung up a muffin..
OCSE: Did you want cream cheese or anything?
Me: Peanut butter.
OCSE: Never mind, just leave it.
ME: It’s okay. As my chai is being handed to me by OCSE, can I just get my bagel?
CSG: Oh. Yes. Scrambling to start it.. I’m so so so sorry.
Me: Ok. handing me a bag with (presumably) my bagel. I’m so so so sorry.
ME: okay.

Everyone can have a bad day right? For all I know her cat died and her favorite bra disintegrated in the dryer. I got my breakfast, and that’s all that matters, right?
In the bag? An untoasted everything bagel with cream cheese.

So, I arrive at the office ahead of schedule and have not spilled any of my chai on my meet the client clothes. (Bonus!)

This is the meeting where we introduce ourselves and explain what we as individuals do on team PDQ for Company ABC. I am not a fan of public speaking in any fashion which equals I am not a fan of these meetings. No matter how many I attend, about 6 minutes before I have to give my departments shuffle-ball-change-shuffle – I become absolutely convinced that one of the client attendees is going to morph into my 10th grade Geometry teacher and start demanding I explain Pythagorus’ Theorem or calculate the hypotenuse. No, I’ m not kidding, I wish I was. I can feel my heart rate pick up, and my hands get sweaty. I always find myself talking myself into deep breaths and tuning out whoever is speaking. (PS.. this isn’t really a good idea in a meeting; I usually find myself being jolted back to the meeting because someone says my department name and I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from shouting out Equilateral! Isosceles!).

I got through it but forgot to sit on my hands, therefore the deaf population was utterly bewildered by my wild and constant hand gestures. However, I didn’t say shit (or worse) once (double bonus!). The man to my right was my primary contact for my section of the project and he had a great sense of humor and seemed to not find me a gigantic gesticulating idiot (this may have been aided by the fact that I didn't jab him once while flailing my arms about during my speech). I only made one reference to the Hooters down the road** and soon afterwards quicky and quietly made my escape. I suppose I’ll find out today if I’ve been replaced. I hear there's a local coffee shop that's hiring.

Now I’m sure you’re expecting some great finish here. There isn’t one. I came home, worked with my dogs, and made chicken pot pie for dinner.

See? I got nuthin’.

Happy weekend friends.

*Just kidding, almost.
**yeah, really.