Monday, May 30, 2011

You all knew it was coming

A month or so ago, I thought I was going to a dog training seminar for the holiday weekend, so I requested three days off. When things didn’t work out the way I had planned, I didn’t rescind my leave request. I decided, to take my Body Pump instructors advice when heading into a difficult set, and use the time off to “get my mind right”.

For the changes just behind me, and for those just ahead, I needed very much to have my mind right.

I finished getting the upstairs ready, new mattress in, old one to the dump, books and bookcase packed up and stored. The last box of his shit packed up and carried downstairs.

I went to the gym, got a pedicure, went shopping, to the pool, and got a facial. I have been unable to sleep more than 4 hours a night since he told me he was leaving in January. With prescription medication, I could get 5 hours. This weekend, I took a nap.

It’s not over; I’m not completely over what he did, to me, to us.
I am just not sorry anymore.
He chose this. He chose to lie, and cheat and quit.
He listened to my crying, and apologizing and never once owned up to his mistakes. In the end he chose to keep making the same mistakes that have ruined every other major relationship in his life. And, I just can’t care or take care of him for one minute longer.

The box weighed 43lbs. I carried down the stairs, put in the bed of the truck, and carried it into the pack and ship up the street; I wouldn’t let them help me. I needed to do this last thing. I tracked those 43 lbs as they traveled northward. When the notice arrived that it was left on his front porch I deleted the email.

My new tenant moves in next weekend.
I have a goal date for Mojo’s next title.
I start a new work schedule and in a new department, on Tuesday.
I have a first date.

I don’t know where any of these things might lead. I’m not entirely sure I care where some of them lead, but I care that they are steps forward, every good run I’ve ever had started with just a few steps forward.

If that's not getting my mind right, I don't know what is.