You all knew it was coming

A month or so ago, I thought I was going to a dog training seminar for the holiday weekend, so I requested three days off. When things didn’t work out the way I had planned, I didn’t rescind my leave request. I decided, to take my Body Pump instructors advice when heading into a difficult set, and use the time off to “get my mind right”.

For the changes just behind me, and for those just ahead, I needed very much to have my mind right.

I finished getting the upstairs ready, new mattress in, old one to the dump, books and bookcase packed up and stored. The last box of his shit packed up and carried downstairs.

I went to the gym, got a pedicure, went shopping, to the pool, and got a facial. I have been unable to sleep more than 4 hours a night since he told me he was leaving in January. With prescription medication, I could get 5 hours. This weekend, I took a nap.

It’s not over; I’m not completely over what he did, to me, to us.
I am just not sorry anymore.
He chose this. He chose to lie, and cheat and quit.
He listened to my crying, and apologizing and never once owned up to his mistakes. In the end he chose to keep making the same mistakes that have ruined every other major relationship in his life. And, I just can’t care or take care of him for one minute longer.

The box weighed 43lbs. I carried down the stairs, put in the bed of the truck, and carried it into the pack and ship up the street; I wouldn’t let them help me. I needed to do this last thing. I tracked those 43 lbs as they traveled northward. When the notice arrived that it was left on his front porch I deleted the email.

My new tenant moves in next weekend.
I have a goal date for Mojo’s next title.
I start a new work schedule and in a new department, on Tuesday.
I have a first date.

I don’t know where any of these things might lead. I’m not entirely sure I care where some of them lead, but I care that they are steps forward, every good run I’ve ever had started with just a few steps forward.

If that's not getting my mind right, I don't know what is.

thoughts from rubber and the road

Northbound this morning I thought of you, brother. You driving southbound, in the Comet, noting to yourself that speed kills. You went south to support a friend in need; I went north, the one in need.
My first trip in the new truck, the dog you never met curled in his crate, tail over his nose, I imagined. Five short days from yet another birthday you aren’t here for, I feel the same thing I always feel when your absence rears its head. Alone. There is just no end to that, it seems. It wasn’t a speedy death I worried about this morning or really any death at all. It was everything else.
The road didn’t take me past your house, and I was glad, even though my heart still wishes I could hear you give directions one more time to “E M, like Auntie EM “ Street. I wondered if I ever would understand you and Grace, if you ever got over the hurt, and how on earth you did. I wondered what advice you would give me now, and cursed the circumstances that lead me to wish your counsel was available today. No one else has the words - that was always your job.
Sometimes, there’s peace in miles rolling under wheels, sometimes in the music I hear, or in something only found alone in a car with your thoughts, popcorn crumbs and static interrupting songs you haven’t heard in years, but like enough slow down and hope the song ends before the signal fades. I am trying to hold onto the moments of peace I found in those moments today. Recently I’ve been told my talent is in words, and my failing is in human contact. It seems my desire to write for a living falls right in line with my personal failings. I think this is a good thing to find out, but it cuts deeply.
I don’t know what I expected, ever. I only know when I don’t have it. It’s like that job interview question, “where do you want to be in five years” although I never say it, the only answer that ever rings in my head is “happy”. It’s maybe why I’m not such a great employee.
Changing everything doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. I did that once, 6 years ago, thought it made things better, today I’m not sure, and I’m not sure it will help things if I do it again but I’m going to. Last time I left the people that cared most for me behind, this time, I’m going to them. The people and places that I may never tell anything to, but their presence and their concern may just be enough. Enough to keep me from feeling like someone left a door to a cold winter open in my chest. Wind raging and stinging so cold it brings tears to my eyes. Drafts so cold as to leave me feeling like a solitary tree on an open plain, bent from its force, and unprotected.
I don’t choose to fight this one alone, unprotected is not where I want to be. Maybe I should have made friends with pain when I had the chance, when it was what kept me company night after night, day after day, but I didn’t and I won’t this time either.
On the road, I remember roll call in your class, the comment that made everyone giggle when a student wasn’t there, “absence really the strangest sort of presence”.
It’s the truest thing I know today.

The suck

I think I need to have a "we need to talk moment" with a friend.
As in, I think I need to do the equivalent of breaking up with her.
She was the first person I met when I moved to NC that I actually wanted to hang out with outside of work. As I suspected we did have some really good times and shared some laughs. I got to tour Mayberry with her.
Early on I saw the warning signs but I held out hope that it wasn't really going to be a problem.
Turns out it is a problem.

I shouldn't be surprised and I definitely shouldn't be hurt. But here I am, both of those things.

It occurs to me that I can't even whip out the 'let's be friends' stand-by because, well, she's turned out to be rather bad at that, which is why I need to break up with her in the first place.
It also occurs to me that I've never done this with a girlfriend before. I've lost touch with people, drifted apart from people, physically moved away from friends I then didn't keep in touch with..but never have I felt the need to say to a girlfriend 'hey this didn't work out..good luck'
I don't even think I know how to do this. I'd almost like to hope that I don't have to, that I can just not do anything, but I know she's going to call tomorrow and behave as though everything is just fine. I can even tell you what time she'll call me.

Crap.
This blows.