Saturday, August 28, 2010

Pear Shaped

A long absence, indeed.
Thirteen months ago, I, along with so many others in today's world got laid off. I did some contract work, received unemployment, and went back to school. For the record, I'm still in school, graduation date is yet to be determined, but it's coming along nicely.

A month ago, I started a new job, and it's a job, and I'm grateful for it. It's not perfect, but what ever is?

Now, on the other side of it, I can admit how comnpletely I fell apart after losing my job. Nothing prepared me for the level of failure I felt. I tried to stay positive, and quickly threw myself into school and the bit of contract work I got, but the uncertainity really set my on my arse. No matter who was looking at me, I only saw my own perception of myself, a failure, a disappointment, in their eyes. It cut so deep I stopped looking. I stopped everything. I buried myself deep in papers and grades and dog training and looked only into the chocolate brown eyes of my dogs, who love me... anyway.

I am not proud of the things I did and didn't do during a lot of the last year. I neglected the ones dearest to my heart. I didn't do wantonly, but I did do it. Although I've said I'm sorry, many times over, it never seems enough when you know you've hurt the ones you love the most.

Maybe because I'm getting old(er) this stuff, this starting over stuff, is just plain hard. I know I'll find my way, I don't have much 'quit' in me. I just hope I can find some of those old friends along the way, and that they'll find it in their hearts to forgive me.


Space said...

jenny-lou, i believe that you're the only one who hasn't forgiven you. and you may be the only one who's keeping score.

you're a fighter. you've come through a rough spot. and now the future beckons...

i'm wishing you hope and clarity in the days to come. there's so little else substantial, anyway. except love. =)

ps. it does me good to hear your voice here again.

Doctor Err said...

you know we just love you all the more... Right? You didn't fall apart, girlie. You focused and did what you had to do to get over this big damn hump. And you're getting over it and coming ahead. Life 0 Jenny 100000. Luv you so much, lady. Both of yous.

LesleyG said...

For what it's worth, I went into a depression after quitting my job, and that was totally voluntary! Life transitions, forced or not, are HARD. There is so much unexpected and unknown.

Your loved ones will still be there. In fact, I'll bet they are already past it, if they were even upset at all. My experience has been that it's ME who's hardest on me. Go figure, right? :)

All said, it's good to see something from you. I wonder how my other springs person is doing sometimes! :)

kenju said...

It is perfectly understandable how someone can hit a downward spiral after losing a job. Also understandable how they can neglect their friends. Those friends are probably more forgiving of you than you are of yourself.

Mojo said...

Believe me, you didn't go nearly as far down the rabbit hole as a lot of people in your situation. Trust me on this one, it's something I know a lot about.

BTW, love the new look!

Love more that you actually posted something this year! (*needle*)

Most of all, love you girl. Just keep pickin' 'em up and puttin' 'em down.