Saturday, February 5, 2011

A crisis of faith

During a conversation, this phrase ran through my head. Unfortunately it ran through my head because the words that were being said about me made me think that the speaker, through no fault of their own had been having a crisis of faith, in me.

The idea that I had so deeply let someone this important down, and for so long, was nothing short of devastating. Feeling gut shot, I stumbled through the next 5 days a husk of nauseated, shaky, sobbing grief. How I had let this happen, a slow progression of all the things I hate about the complacency that comes over time in close relationships. I spoke and they heard things I could never mean, think or do; and they spoke and I just didn’t hear, again and again.

A traditional crisis of faith is defined by me in non secular terms as a crisis demanding an uncompromising decision – one that sufficiently reconciles the cause of doubt with the belief or the discarding of the belief altogether. Although faith is generally used in reference to a higher power; and I am *not* comparing myself to a deity, I do believe faith is something we all feel, in the people and often, world around us, religious or not. In some ways, faith is beyond definition, those of any religious persuasion have faith their chosen God exists, cares for them and is all powerful. Intellectual disparities matter not at all.

So what do you do when you find yourself as the source of so much pain in a loved one there seems no way back to forgiveness and love? When all that has gone before, has seemingly been discarded, or at least written over in black magic marker, by the harm you inflicted? I am feeling sorry enough for myself, and don’t want sympathy. I have never ‘hung in there’ before, when the hurt comes, I leave. How does a classically faithless girl find redemption in the heart of a loved one? Where do you even start?


kenju said...

Do I sense rightly that you think this faithlessness shown toward you should not be? That you were completely unaware that you were doing anything to cause it?

If that is true, then there may be nothing you can do to change the situation except hope that the person sees the light and realizes that they are quite possibly wrong.

Whatever it is, I hope it will be resolved soon.

Doctor Err said...

I walk away. 2 tears in a bucket... And I don't look back. You know me. But if I really, really love someone the only thing I canthink of that they can do to make me loose faith is to walk away from me. Even that can be fixed by an 'oh shit... I am so sorry I was wrong because I did x' this is a hell of a lot different than 'sorry...this is what was going on for me...'

I love you. You are too hard on yourself. But that's why I love you too.

LesleyG said...

I think the important thing, if you want to keep a relationship, is just to start. You have to try, and hopefully they will try, too.

Space said...

i'm having my own crisis of faith these days.

let me remind you that, even though i'm in my own pain, i know fully that i have chosen all the steps along this path that have landed me here, now.

no one is responsible for my happiness. likewise, you can't take responsibility for anyone else's. you can be fair. but what you have to do for yourself isn't always what's good for others. whether or not we can live with each other's madnesses is the real question.

and life is complicated. and messy. and you have to have a heart for your heart to break. and i would say that in all your imperfection, you are perfectly you. that's not a bad place to start conversations about healing.