Friday, November 14, 2008

Angry, Angry Angry.

Disclaimer: I wrote what's below over a year ago., I stumbled on it tonight when I was stewing over something that happened to me to today. I couldn't say it any better today than I said I on June 4, 2007, so I wasn't going to try and improve it.
It says all I can stand to say about it.

I live with what I know.
I even live with the dark things that belong in closed off rooms on floors no one lives on, back in the attics and crawl spaces, I live with those things just fine.
I pick them up by the sharpest sides and turn them around once in awhile just to remind myself that I am capable of feeling and causing great pain. I am capable of great hate, great hostility, great compassion, and yes, Pollyanna, great love. That fucker, the ability to love, it creeps around the dark things and laughs at them. It laughs at my desire to shut it out like sunlight on a hungover Sunday.
It seeps in anyway, and Pollyanna, she dances in it.

I'll tell you what I will do.
I'll feel as much, every last bit, of what this heart will allow.
I'll take it in just like I take in air.
I'll take it in slowly like warm rain in August sometimes, and others, I'll let it wash over me like an angry waterfall.
I'll let it fill me.
I'll break it open and look at the pretty pieces.
I'll put it back together.
I'll take care of it.
I'll give to it and I'll take from it what and when I need to.
I'll walk with it and I'll run with it.
I'll laugh at it, and sooner or later I will cry with it.
I will not apologize for any of it.

And that will have to be enough for me. Because that it is all I have.

We can stack up the disappointments like dominoes, kick them over and watch them fall. It will be no surprise to me to discover that all I have isn't enough.


kenju said...

What you wrote shows good insight. I hope whatever is bothering you today will be over soon.

db grin said...

Sometimes you just have to kick a metaphorical puppy.

I'll hold 'em, you kick 'em (a la Lucy & Charlie Brown).

Doctor Err said...

so what you've just done is talk in a pretty way about the fact that you deal with your shit instead of ignore it.
that's pretty grown up and healthy.
passion is a good thing, girlie.
and you got to take the good kind with the kind that might wind you up in jail... (maybe thats just me).

Wordnerd said...

This is incredible. So much so that I think I'm going to print it.

Hope everything is a little better now.

handy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tiff said...

Ah, sweet anger. Makes feeling joy that much more possible.

I hope you have purged that bit of trouble from yoru life and are now enjoying the flip side of anger.

Miss you!

No Celery Please said...

I'm thinking some horse-time could help with that...

Tracy Lynn said...

I also liked this the last time you posted it. Rock on with your bad self, JC.