Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Green-eyed monster


I’ve never been a jealous girl.
However, more years ago then I’d care to admit, awash with a healthy dose of high school angst, I was definitely envious. That is, if your definition of envy is something like this:

a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

For me, ‘a feeling of discontent’ pretty much covers ages 13 -18. I was quite simply, a mess. Looking back now, I can’t pinpoint even one of the things that I would have changed, but whatever I had, it wasn’t what I wanted.

My first real heart-breaker relationship was very dramatic, we were just out of high school, both taking classes a local community college, both working at least one job, and both our families were expecting an engagement announcement any minute. We had been together for a couple of years when one day while dropping his dog off at his house I saw a stack of pictures of him and another girl on the national mall on the 4th of July. A date he’d broken with me because “he had to work”.

I was crushed. I cried for hours.

He had just started a new job that very day, so I had hours to wait before I could say my piece. I cleared my head, dried my tears, and left him a message that I was taking him out to dinner at his favorite place. Over dinner I told him I knew about the 4th of July. He stuttered, sputtered, rationalized, and finally apologized. I listened to every word. Then left his sorry ass with no ride home and the bill.

I was hurt, make no mistake, but not jealous.

As an adult, I’ve been asked countless times by the men I’ve dated if I’m “the jealous type” The answer has always been no. If that first heartbreak taught me anything, it taught me that there truly is nothing I can do to overcome what someone else wants to do.

In the serious relations ships that followed, I quickly learned that if I felt insecure, there was a good reason. And if there was a good reason, I didn’t really need to know who or what it was, I just wanted out. The good reason wasn’t necessarily another woman, it was just as often their own insecurities or inability to commit to a relationship - same feeling, different cause.

Regardless of the cause, I knew that wasn’t where I needed to be. I’ve never bought into the ‘my other half’, ‘you complete me’, ‘soul mates’ line of thinking. My mother gave birth to a whole baby 37 years ago, I wasn’t missing a thing.

That’s not to say that I think there isn’t a great deal to be gained and enjoyed from a good and lasting relationship. I'm sure there are many things, things I can't know and very possibly things I'd like very much if I could know about them. I guess it’s just to say that I’ve yet to see one that made me jealous.

13 comments:

roo said...

i would have had 4th of july boy put in a body cast. i have such connections. (insert mandy eye wiggle here).
im only jealous of cool girls who have 2 count em 2 puppies. almost.

rennratt said...

Wow.

I WAS the jealous type when I was younger.

I'm not proud of it, by the way.

Cravey said...

'roo - you know I'll share both my puppies with you.

Renn - we were all something we weren't so proud of when we were younger. :)

kenju said...

I was (and still am) the jealous type. But you handled that SO well! I would have ranted, raved, cried, pummeled and kicked that guy.

tiff said...

Jealousy, as I define it, is nothing more than a lack of trust in the other person. Without trust, the whole deal is shot to hell.

This is an excellent post, dearie, and should be required reading for all those angsty young girls out there who should learn from your experience.

Tracy Lynn said...

I'm not jealous. When I take my meds.
*laughs maniacally*

But, truly, I agree with everything in this post. Well said.

Biff Spiffy said...

Brilliant as always!

I've heard jealousy is wanting what someone else has; envy is wanting the other person to NOT have it. I don't see either in this. Your wits have helped you handle awfulness with confident grace, which is hella cool.

utenzi said...

Jealousy is a terrible beast and not a rational one. I'm not subject to it either, Cravey, but not by choice or rationality--just by nature. I don't think jealous people have any control over that aspect of their nature. More's the pity.

handy said...

To be jealous, there needs to be something to be jealous of. Be honest, now.... maybe not jealous when it comes to male/fem relationships (of which the seemingly 'perfect' ones are mostly BS anyway) or people (do you REALLY know them???) but of things like maybe..... PUPPIES? I am not a 'jealous' person either, but I can't say I'm not 'jealous' of somebody's new puppy..... ;)

roo said...

see.....everybody is jealous of a good puppy who has an apache and doesn't get car sick on trips to ohio.....
i am beside myself excited jenny lou... got a whole troop of parachute men.

Anne said...

I never was very jealous until I dated a certain man who couldn't be trusted and drove me crazy. I'm glad he's gone.

Wordnerd said...

Love love LOVE what you did to Mr. 4th of July guy -- totally awesome.

Great post, as always!

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