Sunday, June 1, 2008


The flowers pictured here were planted on March 3 – what should have been my brother’s 52nd birthday. Mark was the person in my life who in both word and deed never allowed me to doubt his love. Losing that was indescribably painful and even though I thought it was special, I’m sure now, four years later, that I didn’t fully realize how rare that quality is.

I wonder what exactly it takes to be that kind of person. More specifically, I wonder whether I have what it takes to be that kind of person. It seems in my relationships, I get to a point where I’m straddling an imaginary line. On one side, is expressing my sincere affection and on the other, the knowledge of that affection being used to take advantage. I do remember one conversation with Mark about someone he felt was crossing the line, someone he’d known for some time. He summed up how he felt about letting them know he had reached his tolerance by saying “Shit J. If this is how they are going to be - I’ve got enough friends” – and maybe that’s all there is, when I get “that” feeling, remember that I do indeed have “enough friends.” It makes me sad, though…and it makes me wonder if it ever gets easier, and it brings clarity to the term jaded. I thought I didn’t want to be that.

Shit. at least Jade is pretty.


Her Roo-ness said...

i do the same shit only i don't straddle a line (cuz fuck, ya can't do that drunk...) but i think of it as more balancing. there is good and bullshit in most folks. what i think about is if the bullshit outweighs the fun or the good.

maybe. just maybe. this is why me and you kid... shouldn't doubt each other. i'll let you know how our story works out in 30 some years....

you are ok. and green is a great color for you.

im just sayin.


Tracy Lynn said...

Love you dude.

rennratt said...

I don't think it's jaded to have enough of users.

I think it's pretty frigging mature.

kenju said...

I've discovered about myself that I have a seven year tolerance for users. I give them 7 years, and after that, if they don't change - I wipe the slate clean of them and move on! I don't think that's jaded - just smart. Too bad it took me so long to learn it.

tiff said...

7 years? That's tolerance.

I'm ofthe opinion that nobody can have enough friends, but there is a limit on GOOD friends. I find my limit is about 6. I've got a short little span of attention, obviously.