Friday, November 17, 2006

History Lessons...

Ever since my first "real" boyfriend, RT, broke my heart at 19, I've been a believer in the "this didn't work, let's pretend we never met" philosphy of ex-boyfriends. I've never once tried that 'can we be friends?' crap.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, my choices in men have not been stellar. Often when the relationships ended I was every bit as relieved as anything else. I can honestly say that after one of these relationships ended, I often suddenly realized that this person I'd been involved with wasn't really someone I'd even want to be friends with, that in fact, he simply wasn't up to the standards I hold my friends to. (Let's not look to deeply into the fact that I rationalized that despite I wouldn't have this person as a friend, I'd sleep with them). We'll save that for the therapy couch.

About 2 years ago, an ex-boyriend that I never thought I'd have a nice thing to say to or about ever again, made the effort to reach out to me when he learned of my brother's passing. We have spent a fair amount of time since then, chatting, instant-messaging., and yes, we've even seen each other several times. No, this is not a reconiliation, nor do I want it to be, but the hurt and anger and resentment are gone. He sends me text messages, little things from my past that make me laugh out loud when I'm cruising the grocery aisles for pudding pops. Just loud enough to make the woman in the same aisle hustle her sticky-looking children away. (A win-win situation in my book). It's nice. It might even be better than nice, but for now, nice is all I've got.

This might seem like nothing to the average reader. However, in my history., this is huge. I am one of those women that just isn't able to forgive those who were reckless with her heart. I don't plan their untimely demise, I just don't fully let go of the hurt. I am blessed or cursed (depending on my mood) with an almost photographic memory., so even when I want to, I'm never fully able to forget hurtful things that were said, no matter how insignificant.. like the equal packets, the infuriating equal packets. After your equal packet tantrum -- did you ever figure out I was intentionally leaving them in weird places? places you couldn't help but see them?, just to annoy you, and point out how stupid the whole thing was. Letting go is huge, and I feel like maybe I owe you a bit of gratitude.

I've jokingly said many times that I would learn forgiveness in my next life. Thanks to you E., looks like I'm getting a head start.

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