Monday, August 27, 2007

As a general rule, I try very hard to avoid shopping, especially in places like Wal-Mart.
However there are times, (like today) when my “list of stuff I need” reads something like this;

contact lens solution
two small kitchen appliances
dog biscuits
paint brushes
one avocado
windshield washer fluid

(*shut up, I do so need these)

So, (insert sigh) Wal-Mart was the place.

As far as I can tell there is no good time to go to Wal-Mart, and if there is, it’s definitely NOT on a Sunday afternoon, the day before all the traditional calendar schools start, so I acknowledged that this was not one of my better decisions and prepared myself to be annoyed, I just didn’t anticipate being half way to pissed off before I ever reached the front doors. Apparently the known chaos that is Wal-Mart is now leaking into the parking lot.

1. If you are going to drive the biggest SUV on the planet - Learn to park it between the lines, cuz lady, it’s simply not anyone else’s fault that you are driving a vehicle that
a) you can’t really manage and
b) should have its own orbit.

2. I’m not a parent so I hesitate to criticize, BUT if your child is still in diapers, a t-shirt and no shoes, should said child really be running in between the row of cars a full row AWAY from you? I’m sure that conversation is very important, but surely less so than “junior” getting backed over or decapitated by a rapidly opening car door, right?

3. I’m sure being the ‘cart-retriever’ guy is a suck part of the job, and probably this weekend, with the back to school thing and the near 100 degree temps, the suck factor increased exponentially, but here’s the thing., trying to bring in 6,897 carts at one time, may be a good idea in theory, BUT if some part of this endeavor creates the scenario where the cart-train-thingie is diagonal across the row completely blocking the flow of traffic, it’s really not a good idea. Really. NOT. Next time? Two trips m’kay?

Surprisingly, the tour through the actual store wasn’t nearly as awful. Other than the volume of parents and children alike – what is that all about – when did it become okay for kids to scream for their parents? That kind of behavior was the stuff that made my dad say, “Scream my name one more time and I’ll give you something to scream about”.. Where’s the old man when the Wal-Mart patrons of the world need him?

On a final note, is there an extreme shortage of mirrors in the southern united states? What on earth are you people thinking when you walk out of your house?
Gentlemen, please, I don’t want to play “Gee what did he eat for lunch?” based on the stains on your shirts. Is it asking too much for you to throw on a clean shirt before going out?
Ladies, two things:
1) BRAS are your friend, and
2) just because it says ‘stretch’ does not mean you should tempt that fabric to give way.
I already know exactly what every stitch, stripe or polka dot is on your underwear (or *ahem* in some cases, the lack thereof), I do NOT need the, uh, expose (pun intended).


Note: the picture has nothing to do with the post; he's just cute.


utenzi said...

Twizzlers are necessary, Cravey. That is so true--at least the strawberry ones are. They hurt my teeth to chew at times, but I just don't care!

Sunday afternoons aren't the ideal Wal-mart time. You were very brave to go there. :-) I'm going to have to go after work tonight or tomorrow... I hope it's a little quieter than what you experienced.

kotzebue said...

oh my that puppy is adorable!

and true, i'm not a fashion maven like some, but i do attempt to wear something a little nicer than the rags we clean bike chains with when i go out. they need some mirrors in the north, too.

JustRun said...

Oh my gosh, you lost me at the puppy picture. What a sweetie!

rennratt said...


I was at Wal Mart on SATURDAY, and it was really bad then, too.

I have told my daughter more than once that
if she "EVER talks to ME that way..."

(she pipes in) "...You'll throw me in a box and ship me to Aunt Zoozer."

Z (my sister) has 3 girls - all well behaved ladies. I figure if I mess Nooze up, Z will have her fixed in no time!

If you want a REAL treat, go to WM on the first weekend of the month. Nothing like it, I swear.

wordnerd said...

This is, like, the greatest post, sista. But this? "... just because it says ‘stretch’ does not mean you should tempt that fabric to give way..." It needs to be etched in marble somewhere.

tiff said...

Oh my - I was at MY hometown Mall Wart yesterday afternoon, and I FINALLY figured out why I like the Target better.

1) no crowds of screaming children
2) no piped in music
3)no fake teevee shows that are just ads being blared right over your head, and that also compete with the piped in music
4) Starbucks.

Yeah, it might cost a little more per time, but I'm thinking that my sanity is worth it.

Plus which - the "Dollar Spot"? YES!

Great post. I like the couch in the puppy pic.

tiff said...

Of course I like the puppy too. He's wicked cute.

Kingfisher said...

I don't know what you're cooking, but based on that shopping list, I'm glad I haven't been invited for dinner.

roo said...

oh shit, jenny. stretch. i laughed out loud at that, girl.
obviously, none of these people do fear running into hot tattooed phil with the motorcyle and the whole house of pain thing going on. need to put on a bra if you are only going to run into guys who need bibs i guess...

Scottsdale Girl said...

mm avocado...


Duuuuude, these feets? right here? *looks down past ta-tas'*

They NEVER EVER NEVER step foot in WallyWorld. Too much pain.

kenju said...

There are at least 2 places I never go on weekends; Wal-Mart and Sam's. Only if you want to play shopping cart bumper cars and wait in line for hours, do you go there on weekends....LOL

I can't get into the comments at Renn's today. Will you tell her, please?

6truck said...

Thats odd...I thought I did put on a clean T-shirt before I went...oh..wait...thats right...I was going to buy more Tshirts because all of mine have crappy WALMART GREEN PAINT on them...snap.